The Dangers of Holding Your Baby

Beware of holding your babies my friends. For thousands of years, mothers and fathers have been struggling with the grim reality that succumbing to their natural inclination to hold their babies would ultimately result in their precious infants' suffocation and death.

It is in these dark times that we exalt you, oh woman of Los Amigos, champion of babies, for rescuing these precious lives from the dangers of their fathers' shoulders. Thank you, dear lady, for not only noticing that my baby was at risk, but for heroically heralding the news to my husband and also all others who were waiting for their take out last night so that he may be made an example of and no other would tread the dangerous terrain of allowing their daughters to sleep on their shoulders for any extended period of time, not even ten minutes.

For we all have been made aware of the severe consequences of attempting to wear your baby in a dreadful and dangerous wrap, sling, or carrier and few dare to do so, but there are still those of us who are cavalier enough to actually hold our children in our arms.

It is true that modern advancements have lowered the risk of infant suffocation by presenting to us bucket car seats and pacifiers. Luckily for us, as you most noble Los Amigos woman pointed out,  my husband had at least remembered to use the latter, which allowed our daughter to evade a certain death. As for bucket car seats, plagiocephaly is a small price to pay in exchange for your child's life.

Please do not risk it my friends, put your babies down. It's for their own good. Your child does not NEED to be held. It is selfish and dangerous to assume so.

Thank you, kind woman. I exalt you. My daughter owes you her life.






On a serious note, I sincerely apologize to anyone who may stumble upon this and is offended or hurt by the mention of infant suffocation. My heart truly aches for any person who has experienced such a loss.